A Chocolate Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

You all know I appreciate it when companies make new, special products for the holidays. Not just different wrappers, but actual different chocolates - either their shape or color or flavor - it's festive and I like it!

But sometimes, there is just a truly pathetic rip-off.

I saw these and thought they were something special for the holidays:

Imagine my surprise when I opened the box and saw that all Mars did was slide a festive box over the same old product:

Oh - so Mars killed all those extra trees for THAT? Just to fool suckers like me? (Some body call the Naked cowboy! Maybe we can get in on his lawsuit!)

They even changed the plate the Twixels sit on to a fancy Christmas plate But it's just the same ol' Twixels. Cheaters. Here's what they look like inside:

Each one is only 35 calories, but trust me, if you open this package, you ain't eating just one.

I like Twix okay - I like the cookie, chocolate, caramel thing. In comparing these three flavors, however, Triple Chocolate is too chocolately for me.

French Vanilla is pretty good, especially if you're a big vanilla fan. It would be my second choice.

Caramel is my favorite. Now I wouldn't send you out in a rush to get these, unless you're having a party. If you're like me, once I start eating these little sticks, I find it hard to stop. Better to just get a bar - there's more caramel and the portion is controlled way better. And this holiday scam just pisses me off.

Speaking of pissing me off, look at this packaging fiasco:

Now this little box looked kind of cute, cost about $6 and seemed to have 4 cute chocolates in it. Well, when you pull the ribbon on the bottom and open it, it unfolds into this:

The first flap has a gift tag you can complete. The second part reads, "You must have been very good this year." And the third panel holds the chocolate - I've removed the cover here:

THIS is what you get for being good? Look at how freakin' tiny these things are:

Yes, that is a Q-Tip. Yes, these are about the size of a dime. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? All that for this? That's just wrong.

Let's see how the damn things taste. The one with the green Christmas trees is milk chocolate pecan pie flavored. The taste? Nothing like pecan pie (they were too tiny to autopsy, by the way). Tastes kind of chocolately, but that's it. What the hell?

Okay - let's try the gingerbread man (I do think these are cute, but I'm finding it hard to get past the microscopic size.) These are supposed to be milk chocolate gingerbread flavored. Okay, maybe a hint of gingerbread, maybe. But nothing to write home about. We've had much better gingerbread options.

The red and purple circles decorate dark chocolate brandied cherry flavored. Slight cherry taste - Hershey's cherry cordial creme Kisses are WAY, WAY better than this. There are many better cherry options.

And the final polka dotted one is dark chocolate spiced orange flavored. This one wasn't too bad - had the most flavor. of all the chocolates.

Summary - Twix bars are better and I hate being tricked. That choxie box is a complete rip-off.

Once again, we learn we can't judge a book by it's cover. You can wear a Santa suit and still be a Grinch. You can dress like a success and still be a complete failure. You can even tattoo a gingerbread man on your chocolate self and not even taste like gingerbread!

Why are we so susceptible to this? We don't want to spend the time. We don't want to really get to know the average looking guy at the bar when the really hot guy is flirting with us. We don;'t want to have to really look at the book, we'd rather just pick up the one with the most interesting looking cover.

So what do we do?

Learn from your mistakes. Where do you tend to make mistakes based on appearance? I know mine - all these hot guys I date who eventually treat me poorly. If I slowed down and got to know them better, I would have seen that they were not attractive at all on the inside where it really counts.

Slow down! I need to pay more attention to the weight of the chocolate, maybe then I would realize how much cardboard I was buying and how little chocolate.

Make it work for you! Realize that you will be judged by your cover. Make it the best you can - you want to make sure people get to know how awesome you are - don't let them pass you by because of your wrapper.

Just ask the Naked Cowboy.

Chocolate, Quakers, and Poe

I am soooo excited that candy season is upon us! I think I'm more excited about Halloween this year than when I was a kid! Okay, maybe not. But the few kids that come to my house are going to be loaded up with candy. I have got to get rid of my surplus or you all are going to see me on the next A & E Hoarders episode. I'll be known forevermore as the Crazy Candy Lady.

Forevermore - how Poe of me! If I only had a raven.....

I'm going to go on one of my famous rants here, so get ready!! I am completely opposed to so called "healthy" Halloween treats. I'm still bitter about that box of raisins I got back in 1975. Who the hell wants raisins for Halloween? I had my Mom giving me crummy raisins in my lunch box all year, I want SUGAR at Halloween!

Which brings us to this:

Quaker Mini Granola Bars. Now let's give this product some thought. How does our friendly Quaker man feel about having his happy, smiling visage plastered on a product celebrating a pagan holiday? There he is smiling like a cherub surrounded by angry looking spirits of the undead. At least Palmer gives us a mad Doctor, not a Quaker! What is the world coming to?

Hell, I'd be angry too if I got one of these in my Trick or Treat bag:



The "sprinkles" are all crushed and look crappy and to call these chocolate chip is right. Chip - as in one. One chip. I kid you not. The chocolate chips are mighty hard to come by. And the Quaker is on every bar. Apparently no one at Quaker Oats thinks twice about the poor Quaker man anymore. He has become completely meaningless. Where's Aunt Jemima when you need her?

Now let's talk about the bold statements on the package - "a good source of calcium." If you eat three of these for 180 calories you get 10% of your recommended calcium. For fewer calories I can get twice as much calcium from my yogurt. I wouldn't really look to these for my daily dose of calcium. (Somebody call the FDA - tell them you're a Quaker.) These do have less fat and sugar than a comparable candy bar, but more calories. (And they taste like crap in comparison.) Let's see - mini Twix or mini granola bar. Any kid that willingly picks the granola bar has obviously been brainwashed by his parents and should be removed from that home immediately. (Call DSS - but don't say anything about being a Quaker, they might think you're a Mormon and try to take YOUR kids away.)

Hmmmm....so just how "healthy"? And will it really make any difference to have 10 less grams of sugar on a night when you might eat 10,000 grams of sugar? I say give me sugar or give me death! It will probably be both, but at least I'll die happy. My ghost will be smiling.

Maybe those of you morally opposed to such candy decadence as the mini-Reese's or mini-Snickers (my all time favorite as a kid - what a score!), could go for these:

Cute little mini Twix! Three different flavors and only 50 calories each.

Starting from the left, we have dark chocolate. These are the perfect bite size and dark chocolate fans should love this. (Parent you can pick all of these out for yourselves.) I've always liked the texture mix in a Twix - chocolate, caramel and the crunchy cookie - delish! Next is triple chocolate which is REALLY good! Milk chocolate, and a chocolate caramel with a chocolate cookie. The last is regular old Twix with milk chocolate, caramel and the cookie. The autopsy photos always reveal the truth. I so want a T-shirt that reads Chocolate CSI. : )

Those damn chocolate chip granola bars are a crime scene, that's for sure. The whole bag has 15 of them - that's 15 chocolate chips who gave their lives. Eat all 15 bars and you could have half your calcium for the day. I'm putting crime scene tape around Quaker headquarters right now, surely this is illegal.

My favorite of the Twix bars was the middle one - the Triple Chocolate. If you're a Twix fan, you might want to check these out. The package (beautifully decorated for fall, I might add) says they are a limited edition. And we know what that means - get them now or you might find them nevermore.

Bwah, ha, ha!!!!! Happy Halloween!!!